People On Twitter Are Furious With Ricky Gervais.

by Mike D.W on September 2, 2014

in Celebrity

Ricky Gervais,twitter,backlash,naked,pictures,celebrities,tweet,comedian,The silly plastic egg with a beard that we all know as Ricky Gervais went on Twitter yesterday and told his 6m followers that if celebrities didn’t want their nude photos wallpapering the internet then they shouldn’t store such photos on their computers.

If you’re squinting at Ricky’s tweet (below) and thinking that you can hear the sound of a million naked people wailing then you’d be right. That sound will keep you awake at night and sleep will never be your friend.

Gervais-tweet

Yes, naked celebrities across the Twattersphere wiped their silicone-heavy cheeks with Ricky’s tweet and then immediately gave it back to him. They asked Ricky what it’s like being the human equivalent of a tampon. They abused the hell out of him, but honestly, he was asking for it. This might never have happened if everything that spilled out of his mouth didn’t sound like it was carved out of cheddar cheese.

So, shortly after tweeting his passive air kiss to the world’s naked celebrities, Ricky’s face got slapped until he could take it no more. He deleted that messy nonsense and replaced it with, Make Jokes Not War.

If I was Ricky Gerrvais then I’d probably run away now. I head straight for the woods and live with the wolves, because every time those crazy naked celebrities use Twitter as a shank to stab people with it always ends badly. Now I’m not saying that Jennifer Lawrence is going to rub poison ivy all over Ricky’s naked body so she can tweet about his trip to the Royal Free hospital, but I am saying that Ricky should wear body armour from now on.


Jennifer Lawrence – Leaked And Naked.

by Mike D.W on September 1, 2014

in Celebrity

Jennifer lawrence,leaked,naked,www,hacked,hacker,legal,Ariana Grande Latte, Mary-Kate Olsen, Avril Lavigne, Selena Gomez, Winona Ryder, Hilary Duff,  Kelly Brook, Cat Deeley, Kim Kardashian, Rihanna,Yesterday afternoon while I was getting drunker than a thousand Apaches in a cocktail bar the Internet exploded. Every website on Earth burst into a million pieces after naked pictures of Jennifer Lawrence, Teresa Palmer, Kristen Dunst, Amber Heard, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kate Upton and others were splattered over the world’s digital servers.

What seems to have happened here is that due to a security lapse at iCloud (which acts as a back-up storage device for Apple users) an anonymous hacker was able to access the mobile phones of some A-List ladies. When the hacker passed through the security gates he immediately opened all the ladie’s private picture galleries. And guess what he found?

Yes that’s right, he found naked ass, naked boobs and naked minge’atouille! The hacker then stole all the ladie’s NSFWs and wallpapered the Internet with them for all to see. Oh what WOOKADOO day that hacker had.

Apparently he has stolen more than 60 NSFW pictures of Jennifer Lawrence alone. She’s furious and her rep pretty much confirmed her fury when she told TMZ that they’ve contacted the authorities.

“This is a flagrant violation of privacy. The authorities have been contacted and will prosecute anyone who posts the stolen photos of Jennifer Lawrence.”

The hacker, who could get more jail time than most rapists if caught, also claims to have a video of Miss Lawrence performing an unnatural sex act. He wants to sell it so he’s asking for donations to his paypal account. He also says that he has nipple pictures of, Ariana Grande Latte, Mary-Kate Olsen, Avril Lavigne, Selena Gomez, Winona Ryder, Hilary Duff,  Kelly Brook, Cat Deeley, Kim Kardashian, Rihanna and on and on and on…..

Some of the ladies have denied that their pictures are real, calling them fakes, however Mary Elizabeth Winstead took to her Twitter and said:

To those of you looking at photos I took with my husband years ago in the privacy of our home, hope you feel great about yourselves. Knowing those photos were deleted long ago, I can only imagine the creepy effort that went into this. Feeling for everyone who got hacked.

You know, I agree. And so does Twitter who have threatened to suspend anyone who tweets these stolen artefacts to their followers. And you know I can’t show you these pictures either since I too have been threatened with the iron mask.

Of course, everyone is now screaming, “WHY KEEP PICTURES OF YOUR PRIVATE PARTS ON YOUR PHONE!” Again, I agree. I mean who wants their artistic nudies turning up on social media sites where shitty bloggers (why is everyone looking at me?) can Photoshop them into their columns of shame.

I mean WHO would do that?!


Prince Harry, Royals,girlfriend,Camilla Thurlow,There’s good news and bad news this morning. The good news is that Prince Harry’s new girlfriend is featured in the Mail on Sunday! The bad news is that she’s not a porn star. Well, you can’t have it all.

The Sunday tabloid says that the tears of a thousand hopefuls are flooding the streets of Kensington today as news leaks out that our ginger Prince has been staying with a new love interest - Camilla Thurlow - on a yacht in St Tropez.

Apparently Camilla is the mystery girl who was spotted kissing Harry in a nightclub last June. So, what do we know about her. According to the tabloid Camilla was born in Dumfries, attended the Fettes College in Edinburgh and earned herself a first-class honours degree in sport and exercise science at Loughborough University. And at 25, Camilla’s made the incredibly wise decision of going to work. She works for the Halo Trust, the landmines organisation that Princess Diana supported.

Congratulations Camilla. It must be nice to be a cut above a Nandos waitress.  I guess if you’ve kissed a prince then your soul can’t smell like fried chicken. But if you’re dating a royal then the work never really stops. Pilates and yoga. That’s every day. Feel like a hamburger? Screw you, nibble on pea soup instead. Too tired to go to clubbing tonight? Well suck it up, your insurance policy IS your ass in a short skirt.

Yes, congratulations Camilla.

Here’s some pictures.


The Great British Bake Off: Melt Down.

by Mike D.W on August 28, 2014

in Celebrity

GBBO, Great British Bake Off, Iain Watters,GBBO,Show,BBC,Baked Alaska,Diana Bird,exit,The BBC don’t like messy exits. Murders, poisonings, suffocations are one thing but forcing the viewing public to watch a Great British Bake Off competitor having a bearded tantrum is quite another.

On last night’s GBBO contestant, Iain Watters let out a silent scream after he discovered that a fellow contestant, 69 year-old Diana Bird had removed his Baked Alaska pudding from her freezer just minutes before judgment time.

Because the show was filmed during a heat wave the ice cream in the middle of Iain’s creation had melted into a flaccid floppy mess. What should have looked like Boris Johnson’s wig, the ovaries of an albino panda and the vagina of a blanched unicorn it looked instead like a plate of sucked donkey balls.

Mrs Bird blamed the whole sloppy mess on Iain telling him: ‘Sorry Iain, it’s still there. Anyway you’ve got your own freezer haven’t you’.

Well that didn’t exactly turn Iain’s angry ass into a funnel of rainbows because he yelled back at Mrs Bird: ‘Why would you take it out of the freezer?’

When the show’s host Sue Perkins asked Iain how he intended to serve the slop-like mixture instead of saying something subtle and poignant like, ‘Don’t tell me what to do! You’re not my boss! Stop eating my food! Get out of my kitchen! I hate you’ Iain retorted: ‘I’ve got a serving suggestion for you’ and then poured his Baked Alaska into the nearest bin.

He then stalked off in a fury.

When it came to the judging Iain thought he’d be a clever ass and present the judges with his sponge, meringue and melted ice cream while it was still slopping around at the bottom of the bin!

He explained to the panel:

“I threw it in the bin because I didn’t want to present it. I didn’t want them to judge the way it came out so I’d rather present nothing. I’m gutted. I had some issues with the ice cream and I let the frustration of that get the better of me.”

Well, Iain might as well have pulled his pants down and rubbed himself because the judges response to his desperate pantomime was to slap him around the face with a resounding NOPE.  Iain was then gently shuffled off to the nearest bus stop by the show’s support staff.

Here’s a clip.

 


Say Something Nice: Simon Cowell And Lauren Silverman.

August 28, 2014 Celebrity

Media mogulling Simon Cowell and the woman he knocked up, Lauren Silverman, hit the red carpet at the X-Factor press launch last night. They sure look happy together. In fact, I can’t tell who looks the happier – the man who ran off with his best friend’s wife or his best friends ex-wife who found a ridiculously […]

Keep reading

Oh Rita!

August 27, 2014 Celebrity

The media, Instagram, Twitter and the Kardashian Klan are obviously in CAHOOTS today because there’s nothing going on. Nothing at all. It’s a very very slow news day. Again! I read that Kate Bush gave her first live concert for 35 years years last night and sang like a magical fairy on acid. But she didn’t […]

Keep reading

Who’s Stalking Alison King?

August 26, 2014 Celebrity

Stalker people are so bizarre. Why would anyone want to stalk Coronation Street’s Alison King? I’ll admit that whenever I watch her on TV it feels like she’s talking to me and only me, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to dress up as Batman to go through her trash. Okay, I might do that for Michelle Keegan, […]

Keep reading

REST IN PEACE: Lord Richard Attenborough 1923 -2014.

August 25, 2014 Celebrity

Thanks to sitting in front of an analog television for hours on end watching reruns of The Great Escape, I’m pretty sure the first words I learned to read were: ‘Richard Attenborough actor and film director.’ So my black heart is shedding a tear for the great man today because last night at the grand […]

Keep reading

Paul Gascoigne: The Saddest Homeless In All The Land.

August 22, 2014 Celebrity

We already know that Paul Gascoigne gathers his drinking water from puddles, lays face down on pavements and smells like a bench at the bus station, but now he’s about to become a homeless. The Sun (via Mirror) say that ‘Gazza’ was taken to hospital yesterday after being found slumped outside his rented apartment in […]

Keep reading

Madonna: Another Toy-Boy Bites The Dust.

August 21, 2014 Celebrity

There comes a time in every toy-boy’s life when his mistress slips him his bus fare and packs him a suitcase for the road. And that time has come for Madonna’s 26 year-old dancing trotter, Timor Steffens. It’s true. An inside voice spoke to US Weekly yesterday and confirmed that Madge and Timor are done. “Madonna politely asked Timor […]

Keep reading

LEGALS: Melanie Sykes Police Caution For Slapping Cockings Is Rescinded.

August 21, 2014 Celebrity

When Melanie Sykes married Jack Cockings back in May of last year her parents pulled black veils over their faces, closed all the curtains and refused to go out, because they were too ashamed to be related to a Cockings. By November of the same year they were able to open the curtains and hold their […]

Keep reading

Nicola It’s Over.

August 20, 2014 Celebrity

If you’re squinting at the picture above and thinking to yourself that Nicola McLean has just middle fingered her gigalo husband Tom Williams, that’s not what she doing. No, this is an outtake from the new “Keep Calm And Carry On” poster. I made that up, of course Nicola’s middle fingering her soon to be […]

Keep reading

Princess Diana’s Shrine Is Abandoned And Overgrown With Weeds.

August 19, 2014 Celebrity

Next month it will be 30 years since Princess Diana gave birth to that ray of ginger coloured sunlight we all know as Prince Harry. The thought of Harry twerking around the dance floor of his birthday party would normally make the top of my Things That Are Tragic list. But I can’t say that this month. No, […]

Keep reading