Paul Gascoigne, footballer,drunk,evicted,homeless,hospitalised,ambulance,Poole,landlord,We already know that Paul Gascoigne gathers his drinking water from puddles, lays face down on pavements and smells like a bench at the bus station, but now he’s about to become a homeless.

The Sun (via Mirror) say that ‘Gazza’ was taken to hospital yesterday after being found slumped outside his rented apartment in Sandbanks Poole, Dorset. He now faces the prospect of being evicted by his landlord because neighbours have complained of his incessant drinking and terrible levels of noise.

A member of the pubic had to dial 999 yesterday afternoon after seeing a barely coherent Gazza looking like a toothless mess and guzzling from a bottle of booze wrapped in a paper bag. Police and paramedics arrived a few minutes later.

Before the ambulance arrived Gazza was heard on his phone telling some phantom friend: “I am in trouble, please can you come and help me.” But nobody came.

Paul is being treated at a hospital in Poole today.


A friend, who is made out of air and smog, told the Mirror:

“It is very sad. But the reality is Paul has been drinking for the past few weeks and once that happens things will only end one way.Today things came to a head. He has had a lot on his plate as he is in the process of trying to find somewhere to live.

“His landlord had given him 10 days to get out of the flat and it was weighing on his mind. Obviously things became too much for him in the past couple of days and he has turned back to the bottle.”

(via: Mirror.)

The days of Paul Gascoigne, super star footballer burning fifty pound notes in a cauldron of exorbitance and excess are long gone. Paul is now 47 years old and he looks like a middle-aged tramp who lives under a bench and spends his days harassing women in a park.

I’m guessing that Paul would like to inject some fat into his wasted body, wonk up his eyes a bit and get a double chin implant. You know, make himself look somebody again. But really? How long before we see the saddest and loneliest hobo in all the land begging for coins on the streets of south London?

Source: Daily Mirror.

Madonna: Another Toy-Boy Bites The Dust.

by Mike D.W on August 21, 2014

in Celebrity

Madonna, madge,toy-boy,Timor Steffens,split,There comes a time in every toy-boy’s life when his mistress slips him his bus fare and packs him a suitcase for the road. And that time has come for Madonna’s 26 year-old dancing trotter, Timor Steffens.

It’s true. An inside voice spoke to US Weekly yesterday and confirmed that Madge and Timor are done.

“Madonna politely asked Timor to take his luggage and leave. He packed up and said they were done.”

(Via: US Weekly)

The insider doesn’t explain the reason behind the split, but something must have happened to break the spell. Some will blame it on supernatural forces working against such an unhallowed of couplings. Others will say that it was bound to happen the first time Madonna wanted to have sex with the lights on.

Of course there will be those who assume that Madge dumped Timor because, after nine months of asking him, “What’s your name again?” her geriatric lady parts needed a break from the whole sorry assed business.

Either which way, you should look out for Madonna in the tribal lands of North Africa this Christmas where she’ll be looking to pick up a new baby and a toy-boy on a two-for-one deal.

legals,Melanie Sykes,police caution,Jack Cockings,rescinded,court,lawyer,When Melanie Sykes married Jack Cockings back in May of last year her parents pulled black veils over their faces, closed all the curtains and refused to go out, because they were too ashamed to be related to a Cockings.

By November of the same year they were able to open the curtains and hold their heads up high again because Melanie had slapped that Cockings out of her home and far far away.

Unfortunately for Melanie slapping Cockings out of her home got her arrested and subsequently given a police caution for common assault.  The story quickly spread everywhere and has remained a constant reminder to Melanie of what a giant disappointment she has been to her parents.

Until now.

The news broke last night that Melanie has taken the police to court because she was fearful that her good name was being permanently linked to domestic violence. She told the court that Cockings had made that slap stuff up because he wanted the media to give him some attention. She said she was NOT GUILTY of slapping a Cockings.

It’s not clear if the judge demanded to see Melanie’s original polygraph test but what is clear is that court believed her. Melanie’s police caution has now been withdrawn and deleted from the records.

Reputation restored! Here’s Melanie’s lawyer;

“This has been a testing time for Melanie.

“She believed strongly that it was necessary and appropriate to take legal action – not least for the sake of her children.”

I really want to throw money at my laptop because I want to own Melanie’s polygraph results. But I’m going to wait. Eventually Melanie will have to take another polygraph test after that Keniro chap presses charges against her for doing whatever she’s doing to him in that picture above. I’d rather own those results instead (not really).

Nicola It’s Over.

by Mike D.W on August 20, 2014

in Celebrity

Nicola McLean,Tom Williams,married,split,glamour model,sexy,tits,boobs,middle fingered,picture,Twitter,If you’re squinting at the picture above and thinking to yourself that Nicola McLean has just middle fingered her gigalo husband Tom Williams, that’s not what she doing. No, this is an outtake from the new “Keep Calm And Carry On” poster.

I made that up, of course Nicola’s middle fingering her soon to be ex-husband. And who can blame her?

After telling Tom that he’s a disgusting shameless man-tramp who broke their marriage with his bull dozing genitals, Nicola has now told Reveal magazine all about him.

Here’s an extract from her interview. This is the part where Nicola suggests that she is about to file divorce papers and legally make Tom her ex-husband:

“I’ve known my marriage has been over for months, but I’ve been fighting it. I’m the lowest I’ve ever felt. Everyone sees me as a strong, hard-faced bitch, when actually I’m just an insecure girl who wanted her marriage to work.

I’m not perfect, but I’ve been 100 per cent faithful to my husband, marriage and children, and I can take that away from this.”

(Via: Reveal Magazine)

Y’know, if only Twitter came in 3D. That picture above would then fill the room with hate-eyes, middle fingers, spitting, plate-smashing and burning jumpsuits.

Yes Twitter, 3D way to go.

Princess Diana’s Shrine Is Abandoned And Overgrown With Weeds.

August 19, 2014 Celebrity

Next month it will be 30 years since Princess Diana gave birth to that ray of ginger coloured sunlight we all know as Prince Harry. The thought of Harry twerking around the dance floor of his birthday party would normally make the top of my Things That Are Tragic list. But I can’t say that this month. No, […]

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LEGALS: Cliff Richard Calls In Rumpole of the Bailey.

August 19, 2014 Celebrity

Britain’s Grand Dame of RocknRoll isn’t about to let the police or the media turn his ‘situation’ into another OJ Simpson trail. No sir. When a miniaturised Rumpole Of The Bailey doll arrived at Sir Cliff Richard’s Portugal home yesterday it led reporters to conclude that Ian Burton of BCL Burton Copeland is now representing the singer in his fight […]

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Prime Minister Announces Crack Down On Soft Porn Music Videos.

August 18, 2014 Celebrity

Our esteemed leader, David Cameron says that he feels our pain whenever he sees recycled trash like Miley Cyrus terrorising our children with videos of hairless beavers gasping for breath whilst being strangled in undersized leotards. Yes it’s true, Mr Cameron says that the government may be deaf, but it’s not blind. They fully understand why decent minded […]

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Sir Ian Botham: The Picture That Nobody Asked For.

August 18, 2014 Celebrity

Sir Ian Botham’s Twitter handle is @BeefyBotham. I know, it sounds like the name of a mob boss or a butcher turned amateur rapper. Anyway, I like it and so it appears does a horrid hacker horribulous. Sir Beefy says that his Twatter was hacked this morning after a truly remarkable picture of a resplendent penis appeared on his timeline with the caption: “What […]

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Julian Assange To Give Himself Up.

August 18, 2014 Celebrity

Taking a quick break from our usual program of littering the internet with irrelevant confetti NMi is bringing you this top breaking news story from the world of treasonous publishers hiding out in foreign embassies. According to sources, Julian Assange is due to take the walk of shame today when he finally leaves the Ecuadorian embassy in […]

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Jessica Alba Had A Little Trouble With Her Skirt.

August 15, 2014 Celebrity

At a time when Sir Cliff Richard faces the possibility of telling the police his torrid tales of a tainted todger and the suspected wife killer, Shrien Dewani is declared as mentally stable as Louis Suarez, here I am telling you that there’s no news about. Well there isn’t any news. I’ve checked all the gossip columns and all […]

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Nicola’s Three Of A Kind Sees Off Husband’s One Eyed Royal.

August 15, 2014 Celebrity

Finding out that 32 year-old Nicola McLean is going to be a single Mum is like finding a grey hair growing in your eyebrows. We’re getting old. After 5 years of being married to a gamblegasming loser Nicola says she’s done with his pokering, porn capers and Sin City sinning. Yes, she’s done being married to Tom […]

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Police Raid Cliff Richard’s House Following Sex Abuse Claims.

August 14, 2014 Celebrity

I guess it was only a matter of time before Fleet Street added Sir Cliff Richard’s name to their creepy piece of trash list. Earlier today the police raided Sir Cliff’s house in Berkshire after receiving allegations of a historical sex offence. What seems to have happened here is that a man told the South Yorkshire police that back in […]

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LEGALS: Innocent Bus Lane Abused By Ray Winston.

August 14, 2014 Celebrity

I find that watching Ray Winston doing those Bet365 ads on TV not only offensive but about as nasty as having a sex dream about one of my relatives. I know what you’re saying, “It must be a slow news day if you’re posting about Ray Winston’s unsavoury ass.” Well it’s the opposite of that, thankyouverymuch. […]

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