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Sir Elton John Sued For Sexual Battery.

Elton John,Sexual battery,lawsuit,

Sir Elton John is being sued for an unspecified amount by a former male body guard who claims the star tried to put a finger up his bottom. When that didn’t work he told him to “get his todger out” and “say hello to Uncle Elton.”

The plaintiff is a Mr Jeffrey Wenninger who worked for Sir Elton John between 2002 and 2014.

In his lawsuit Wenninger is claiming that back in 2014 while travelling in a car with Sir Elton, the titled British gentleman stuck a hand down his trousers and attempted to grab his genitals.

What Wenninger claims followed is detailed quite graphically in this cheeky snippet from the lawsuit below. Really, quite graphic.

Elton John,sex claim,Elton John, sex claim,

Oh what a sexy story this is turning out to be. Continues….

The claim, which was lodged with the Los Angeles Superior Court yesterday has been strenuously denied by Sir Elton John. In a statement his lawyer said;

 “This baseless lawsuit is brought by a disgruntled former security officer seeking to extract an undeserved payment. These claims are patently untrue and contradicted by numerous previous statements made by this plaintiff. We will not give into his latest abuse of the legal system.”

Not to oversimplify an already complex issue, might it be fair to point out that sucessfully proving these allegations in a court of law might well depend on whether the plaintiff has a witness to the alleged events. Or not.Photography Prints

I’m guessing of course but presumably the car referred to was a chauffeur driven car, right? Therefore I feel pretty confident in assuming that there may indeed be a witness to the alledged ‘penilis promiscuous’ activity that went down in the back of that car. Allegedly. 

Now if that is the case and a witness is brought into court then the Under Oath thing applies to anything that witness may say. Really, there’s no part of Under Oath which allows a witness to fudge his testimony just because his employer might have a difficult time buying overalls and signing up for an extended tour on a fishing trawler.

Oh, what do I know? Perhaps Sir Elton should consider changing his name to something inherently less well known. After all, having your famous genitals mentioned on here is no way to go through life.



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Victoria Beckham – Fashion Flops.

Victoria Beckham,Fashion,accounts,

As George Osbourne continues to improve lives one rich person at a time the Daily Mail have at last reported something about Victoria Beckham which might have a fighting chance of being both poignant and interesting.

No, it’s not Victoria Beckham’s favourite toothpaste, umbrella, or ketchup. No, instead the Daily Mail have reported that despite the finest clothes, the finest shops and V.I.P. treatment to die for her fashion empire is failing faster that a dog can lick it’s own unmentionables.

Really, it’s true. When the 2014 accounts for Victoria Beckham Limited were lodged at Companies House recently they showed that the company had technically made a small profit. You’d think that would make Victoria Beckham grin from ear to ear. But no, unfortunately the truth is that her fashion business would have lost nearly £4 million had it not been for the money flowing into it’s coffers from her generous husband, David Beckham.

Naturally all this accounting jiggery pokery has caused the hallowed tabloid to wonder:

“Can Victoria really claim to be a successful entrepreneur in her own right, or is her fashion venture merely a vanity project for a wealthy woman blessed with an indulgent spouse?”

(via: Daily Mail)

HAHAHA whatever Daily Mail.

People are always mocking Victoria’s apparent self-misery because she’s rich and successful but this might explain why she has been looking like a released hostage lately. Yes, the perfect life ruined by the stroke of an accountants pen.

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Anonymous To Trump Trump!

In a series of inflammatory statements that only a pit bull with a biting problem could make American presidential candidate, Donald Trump has alienated the entire world. He has now lost the sanity vote, the Mexican vote, the self respecting vote, the moderate vote, the sensible vote and now the Anonymous vote. 

Anyone who’s studied Donald Trump knows that he feeds off controversy, aggression and hatred. Really, he does. Disagree with his nasty ass and he’ll come at you like an insanity goblin willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. Simply wishing Trump a good morning will cause his pancreas to shut down.

However, there’s some good news today. Donald Trump has made a new enemy and believe it or not this one doesn’t have any physical characteristics this looney tune can mock. Not unless he takes aim at a Guy Fawkes mask that is.

Yes folks, thankfully it’s true. In their latest video (released this week) the hacker group Anonymous has declared a “total war” on Donald Trump, stating that his “hateful campaign” has legitimized “appalling actions and words.”

Anonymous have already released Trump’s social security number and they now plan to shut down the geyser of chumpery that shoots out of jibber-jabbering mouth. Invoking the hashtag #OpTrump, Anonymous has called for all the citizens of the world to take action.

“We need you to shut down his campaign and sabotage his brand.”

One has to ask if Anonymous are playing with fire here. Seriously,  if elected, Trump may very well take the ‘War on Terror’ to its next logical phase – an outright war on Internet activism.

On the other hand if he does get elected then Anonymous could, in three quick clicks spill ‘President’ Trump’s porn history to the entire world. And that would prove grounds for impeachment.

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Kim Kardashian – Naked Backlash.

Kim Kardashian,naked,selfie,

There’s two ways to look at Kim Kardashian. One is drunk and laughing at her squat naked body. The second is to admire her brassy money making schemes that put so many dollars into her bank account that you have to call her the ‘cash-a-holic’ of the 21st century.

However, magic like this doesn’t happen in a vacuum. No, Kim Kardashian has a team of assistants who provide her with hair and wardrobe support together with the occasional Sal-Acid plaster for her unmentionables. Which brings me to nicely round to Kim’s social media, which she appears to manage all on her own.

Earlier this week in another bid to break the internet Kim posted a naked selfie to her Instagram. The world recoiled in horror. Such was the condemnation that Kim took to her all new pay-per-view website and penned a furious post defending the naked abomination.

In the post, Kim rallied against her critics insisting that they just won’t leave THAT sex tape alone. She wrote;

“I don’t do drugs, I hardly drink, I’ve never committed a crime – and yet I’m a bad role model for being proud of my body?

It always seems to come back around to my sex tape. Yes, a sex tape that was made 13 years ago. 13 YEARS AGO. Literally that long ago. And people still want to talk about it?!?!

I lived through the embarrassment and fear, and decided to say who cares, do better, move on.

I shouldn’t have to constantly be on the defense, listing off my accomplishments just to prove that I am more than something that happened 13 years ago. Let’s move on, already. I have.”

Unfortunately for Kim, Piers Morgan, Bette Midler and Chloe Moritz expected more from her. Why is unclear. Here’s what they had to say on Twitter. 

Kim Kardashian,naked,selfie,tweets,

For some people walking away into the sunset was not an option. Dropping their reproductive parts into the gutter seemed a more realistic choice. However, in the game of ridiculous the rules are pretty flimsy and yet chaos serves nobody. Except the cash-a-holic.

Seriously, there’s no better way to drive visitors to a pay-per-view website than a naked selfie. Instagram you reign supreme. I’ll start the Change.org petition now…

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Maria Sharapova Loses $70m.

Maria SharapovaMaria Sharapova is now working her way through the six steps of loss. Or whatever you call it when you lose all your sponsors because you’ve had your name added to the World Anti-Doping Agency’s (WADA) accredited list of dopes because you’ve been caught cheating.

Yes, it’s true. Last night, just hours after being suspended from women’s tennis, Maria Sharapova lost her lucrative deal with Nike, where she has her own branded clothing line. It was worth a reported $70million to her. According to Forbes, Maria also earns around $30million each year in endorsement deals with American Express, Avon, Evian, Porsche and Tag Heuer.

Jeez that’s an expensive hand in the medicine jar. No doubt Maria will be yanking at her hair this morning because she failed to open the WADA e-mail which declared Meldonium a banned substance. Which is understandable as an e-mail beginning with Stop Putting A Meldonium up your ass usually gets marked down as spam.

Maria says that she has been using Meldonium since the age of four. Lots of people suffering with angina (!?!) use the same drug. It stimulates the heart apparently.

Oh dear oh dear what will poor Maria do now? No tennis and an empty counting house.

There’s options, there’s always options. For example Maria could start a new sport. Fake tennis. This sport would allow girls who are not athletically gifted to compete. The girls wouldn’t have to hit a ball back and forth, no they’d just jump up and down in mini-skirts while screaming erotically.

I know, technically fake tennis wouldn’t be a sport but it would be a million times better to watch than proper tennis. It would also keep Maria fit and stop her growing into an obese Russian monster.

UPDATE: According to sources the online art gallery,  ArtPopper has stepped forward in Maria’s hour of need. We understand that an offer of sponsorship has been made.

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Arts, Crafts, Music – UK Festivals in 2016.

arts crafts music festivalsIn 2015 the art industry was worth over £7billion to the British economy. It’s one of the UK’s fastest-growing sectors. This is why Britain’s arts, crafts and music festivals are now big business. 

Every year all those with talent originality and a passion for the creative arts pay ever increasing amounts to exhibit at Britain’s growing number of art related festivals.

From contemporary art to off-beat musical extravaganzas our creative, talented and quite extraordinary broadcast their work to a nation of art lovers.

The calendar is full of these wondrous events. Here’s a guide of what to expect from just a few of the events scheduled for 2016.

Check out Britain’s Most Creative Arts, Crafts and Music Festivals.

by Michael Wheeler at Mode