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Harry Styles: #HarryAppreciationDay.


#HarryAppreciationDay,Directioners, harry styles

This never seen before picture of Harry Styles came in yesterday. It’s worth sharing because the One Directioners are still violently hurling random tweets at the all-around fantastics from boy band heaven.

The Directioners are still numb following the news that the pretty-faced one was leaving the group and they are still on edge after Louis discovered that babies don’t come from the cabbage patch.

They’ve also been knocked sideways by Simon Cowell who says he’s offered the band the option of breaking up later this year.

AND the woeful Directioners have had to deal with Harry Styles receiving death threats on Twitter.

ENOUGH ALREADY!

This week the courageous little Directioners hit back. They’ve responded to all this gloomy news by tweeting appreciation hashtags. Each day an appreciation hashtag was tweeted for a member of the band.

The first day was tagged for Liam, the next for Louis and then Niall. Within minutes of launching them the Directioner’s hashtags trended globally.

Yesterday it was Harry’s turn. For the last 24 hours the #HarryAppreciationDay has been trending all across Twitter, the world and the outer reaches of the universe.

Here’s a sample:

You’re my sunshine & I couldn’t be more proud of how many souls you’ve brought happiness to #HarryAppreciationDay 😭

He’s so cute and sweet#HarryAppreciationDay

#HarryAppreciationDay

And maybe you’ll never know you’ve inspired me #HarryAppreciationDay

WHO REMEMBERS HARRYS SHOULDER THRUSTS #HarryAppreciationDay 

When that picture above came in from the Bronco agency yesterday I knew that the Directioners would say it was nothing more than the work of a scarlet crimpernel and had no business on the World Wide Web.

However, I thought to myself, go ahead, be brave Mike D.W – tell the world the truth already – add a hashtag – you’ll feel better for it.

So here you go. Harry also wants to leave One Direction so that he can launch a solo career.

Yes, Harry has been trying to distance himself from the rest of One Direction for the past year because he “considers himself to be on a different path to the other boys.

Well, one thing is for sure – if Harry doesn’t invest his money wisely, then that path might lead to a reality show, and not one of the good ones either where the chairs spin around.

A rep for One Direction hasn’t commented about this yet, probably because they’re too busy consoling a very confused Harry Styles.

Vladimir Wilson – Lotto Fake.


Vladimir Wilson,Lotto,con,newsmediaimages.com

Vladimir Wilson has been busy with Judge Geordie and executive producing his own spectacle of shameless self indulgence.

The self-styled playboy has been telling anyone who’ll pay attention to him that he won £5million on the lottery. Vladimir also posted hundreds of pictures to Instagram depicting his champagne lifestyle.

Vladimir’s social media accounts, all of which he has now made private, contained pictures of sports cars, designer watches, nights out at trendy hotspots and even a private jet. His Twitter bio reads “Money may not buy happiness but I’d rather cry in a Bentley than on a bus,”

As it turns out Vladimir Wilson has been exposed as a rather boring little man with an even smaller penis than George Osbourne’s.

The Sun newspaper have discovered that Vladimir has never even won a game of pick-up-sticks let alone the lottery. He is actually a jobless fake living in a dingy bedsit in East London.

The Sun also discovered that Vladimir owes people more than £20,000 and has two splendid CCJs to his name.

When the tabloid presented him with their findings they asked him if he really had won the lottery. Vladimir replied: “No, I haven’t is the answer.”

With the help of his amazing lottery lie Vladir Wilson has fooled several TV reality shows. He has appeared on Girlfriends, Judge Geordie and has been filming a Channel 5 documentary. He’s even made a pilot for a game show for a firm called Monkey Kingdom.

The Sun say that they tumbled to Vladimir’s nonsense after he claimed he’d spent ALL his money on sex. That’s 50 shades of a chap who’s just got whatever shit the Sun had coming to him.

Well I think everyone in Britain would have been better off not knowing about Vladimir Wilson. Now the Sun won’t STFU about him. Only, they’re not sharing the sexy stuff about his reasonably priced girlfriends. You know, the stuff one might be interested to read about. No, just the mundane boring conman stuff.

I didn’t subscribe to Sun+ for the F-word without the sexy stuff. I think I’ve been conned. This is why we need to criminalise boring.

Cara Delevingne ‘Slit’ Rumours.


Cara Delevingne,slit,typo, rumours,sun,newsmediaimages.com

The picture you see above is a screen grab from the Sun’s website. According to them an unnamed model has just silenced some scurrilous rumours about poor Cara Delevingne and her ‘slit’.

I swear to God I didn’t get that a typo can be funnier than an entire story until I saw the Sun’s website about an hour ago. I guess I got lucky because they’ve now corrected their unfotunate error.

I’ve made lots of typos in my time, usually when my brain was deprived of oxygen, but there’s always been some patronising reader to tell me that I’d made a mistake and ask me to provide further clarity.

Thankfully there’s always been that special kind of rapport between me and our esteemed readers.

Funnily enough I have the same kind of rapport with people who jingle a set of keys in front of me.

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Millie Mackintosh Naked… Sort Of.


Millie Mackintosh,naked,instagram,newsmediaimages.com

Reserving your place in a tabloid’s column of shame is no easy task. Millie Mackintosh knows this. She also knows that getting sort of naked for Instagram goes a long way to securing your place.

Getting naked is Millie’s new thing. Well, getting sort of naked. Just like she’s sort of able to count to ten. It’s a no brainer for the girl who’s wanted to be a star her whole life. Well, at least since a grown up first told her that it was Made In Chelsea or a Marks and Spencer checkout.

Professor Green posted the above picture to Millie’s Instagram last night. Here’s what she had to say about it:

That awkward moment when your husband catches you doing a spot of hair removal and decides to take a photo on your phone and post it 😬

Because it was a Millie Mackintosh naked picture ALL the tabloids found some words to throw around it before placing it in their hallowed columns of shame. Milly Mission accomplished.

I don’t know why she bothers. After all she could easily make tons of cash selling cheap Chinese labor camp accessories to her reality show fans. Ask any Kardashian.

Anyways, whilst mothers of impressionable young girls may have accepted that their daughters will ‘probably never become scientists’ everything has it’s limits. Like Millie Mackintosh getting naked.

Really it’s true, parents in this country know only too well that ‘lady parts’ are for Satan’s eyes only. Don’t ye cast your gaze upon them.

Here’s some pictures of Millie Mackintosh being sort of naked. They’re probably safe for work, but after looking at them you’re then cursed with eternal damnation don’t blame me.


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Prince George: New Picture For Peons.


Prince George,Birthday,newsmediaimages.com

The Daily Mirror have just reminded their readers that Prince George will be celebrating his second birthday tomorrow.

The tabloid’s Royal news team have clearly lathered themselves into a collective frenzy today because guess what? That’s right, the palace are going to present the nations royal fandom with an entirely new picture of the Royal blessed one. A picture that’s never been seen before.

The illustrious Nazi hunters over at the Sun probably probably won’t see hide nor hair of this over-hyped infant tomorrow given their penchant for biting the hand that feeds them. Lets face it the Sun newspaper now walk an entirely different path when it comes to royal germalism.

So, tomorrow British peons will have some brand new pixels of Prince George to jump up and down about. Oh wowzeree. I’m so excited. In fact so damned excited am I that I’m gonna build a fire at the bottom of my garden – then I’ll tip the contents of our family’s swear box into the flames – then I’ll forge a beautiful limited edition commemorative coin!

Well why not? A commemorative coin to celebrate the fact that Prince George is about to become as royally useless as the rest of the British royal family.

One day Prince George might go to work and try to make his existence worthwhile. Then again maybe he won’t. After all he’s already richer than a gay guy with a Rolex and Guccis.

However, there is one thing that Prince George will definitely do. It’s about as inevitable as the coming of the next apocalypse. Eventually Prince George will be introduced to a noble mingetroll who will help him cut ribbons at supermarkets, wave at peasants and stand around looking regal.

I mean, isn’t that what royalty is born to do.

If you think about it Prince George and his entire family are basically on welfare and state benefits. They live completely off the British tax payer and don’t have jobs. We pay our taxes so these lazy inbreds can suckle off the British teat.

Us Brits are obsessed with the royal family. By ‘us’ I mean you, not me. You read about this Royal toddler almost as much as Kim Kardashian’s swelling thorax.

Every year tourists spend tons of shekels coming to gawp at these pasty white idiots. The TV ratings for an unfolding royal event rise to astronomical levels in spite of the fact that a growing number of our people are having to feed their families courtesy of food banks.

I guess after this royal rhubarb pie has finished opening all his presents and retired to his royal nursery then his father, Prince William will have to return to work, which will be good for him, because working makes a man virile and proud.

As opposed to prematurely bald and constipated.

Anyway, talking of new pictures….

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Abby Cohen: I Want Happiness.


Abby Cohen,newsmediaimages

If you pronounce ‘I want Happiness’ in a Russian accent very very slowly you’ll find that it sounds rather different to the way that it’s written. Once you stopped giggling you’ll begin to understand why life without a ‘peenacalada’ can be a sad one. Just ask scorned wife Abby Cohen.

When Abby married rugby star, Ben Cohen back in 2003 all she wanted was love, happiness, security, more love, loyalty and above all trust. What she got was pain, infidelity and humiliation. Poor Abby Cohen.

Abby and Ben separated last September, a year after he’d danced the night away on Strictly Come Dancing with beauty à la beast Kristina Rihanoff. Rumours of rompous between Ben and Kristina flooded the tabloids. All were denied.

As avid readers of gossip will know this story really does have everything. It has a scorned wife, a shameless husband and an even more shameless mattress missy. What more could you want?

Last Sunday Abbey took to Twitter to tweet-slap Kristina with a lesson on karma. See below.

Abbey Cohen,tweet,Kristina Rihanoff,newsmediaimages.com

By the time you’ve hired a social media coordinator, you’re already screwed. You’ve now named your battle and it’s against the troll armies of Twitter.

Yes, when hundreds of trolling tweeters saw that tweet from Abby Cohen they took to their sweat drenched keyboards and threw as many twat-balls at her as they could. Essentially what they were saying was that Abby’s tweet was as “pathetic” as pathetic could be.

Kristina also hit back and told anyone who supported Abby Cohen “to get a life” and STFU.  Today she turned the knife even further into her rival’s heart when she revealed her evil plan to publish a tell-all book detailing everything that’s happened between her and Abby’s husband.

Oh dear. ‘What a difference a tweet makes, one-four oh little letters, brought the fun and the followers, where there used to be pain’ (Thanks Dina)

Twitter sucks by the way. Block yourself.

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