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Maria Sharapova Loses $70m.


Maria SharapovaMaria Sharapova is now working her way through the six steps of loss. Or whatever you call it when you lose all your sponsors because you’ve had your name added to the World Anti-Doping Agency’s (WADA) accredited list of dopes because you’ve been caught cheating.

Yes, it’s true. Last night, just hours after being suspended from women’s tennis, Maria Sharapova lost her lucrative deal with Nike, where she has her own branded clothing line. It was worth a reported $70million to her. According to Forbes, Maria also earns around $30million each year in endorsement deals with American Express, Avon, Evian, Porsche and Tag Heuer.

Jeez that’s an expensive hand in the medicine jar. No doubt Maria will be yanking at her hair this morning because she failed to open the WADA e-mail which declared Meldonium a banned substance. Which is understandable as an e-mail beginning with Stop Putting A Meldonium up your ass usually gets marked down as spam.

Maria says that she has been using Meldonium since the age of four. Lots of people suffering with angina (!?!) use the same drug. It stimulates the heart apparently.

Oh dear oh dear what will poor Maria do now? No tennis and an empty counting house.

There’s options, there’s always options. For example Maria could start a new sport. Fake tennis. This sport would allow girls who are not athletically gifted to compete. The girls wouldn’t have to hit a ball back and forth, no they’d just jump up and down in mini-skirts while screaming erotically.

I know, technically fake tennis wouldn’t be a sport but it would be a million times better to watch than proper tennis. It would also keep Maria fit and stop her growing into an obese Russian monster.

UPDATE: According to sources the online art gallery,  ArtPopper has stepped forward in Maria’s hour of need. We understand that an offer of sponsorship has been made.

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Arts, Crafts, Music – UK Festivals in 2016.


arts crafts music festivalsIn 2015 the art industry was worth over £7billion to the British economy. It’s one of the UK’s fastest-growing sectors. This is why Britain’s arts, crafts and music festivals are now big business. 

Every year all those with talent originality and a passion for the creative arts pay ever increasing amounts to exhibit at Britain’s growing number of art related festivals.

From contemporary art to off-beat musical extravaganzas our creative, talented and quite extraordinary broadcast their work to a nation of art lovers.

The calendar is full of these wondrous events. Here’s a guide of what to expect from just a few of the events scheduled for 2016.

Check out Britain’s Most Creative Arts, Crafts and Music Festivals.

by Michael Wheeler at Mode

Prince William – Losing War With The Press.


Prince WilliamOver the last week a number of highly esteemed media outlets have been giving Prince William a lesson in humility. In a series of long overdue articles the “Fourth Estate” has called into question both his work ethics and his commitment to Royal duty.

I’m not sure that Prince William understands how the Fourth Estate works. Just so as you know the term “Fourth Estate” (or fourth power) is a societal or political force whose influence is not officially recognised. The term was first used back in 1787 when, during a parliamentary debate Thomas Carlyle told the house;

“There are Three Estates in Parliament; but, in the Reporters’ Gallery yonder, there sits a Fourth Estate more important far than they all.”

For the avoidance of doubt and for the sake of clarity “more important than they all” means – don’t upset the press. Clearly Prince William does not understand that.

Here’s why.

Back in 2012 Prince William decided to sue Closer Magazine after they published unflattering pictures of his wife Kate. He didn’t care what the fourth estate or the British people thought. Then last year he petitioned for and had granted a no-fly zone over Anmer Hall in order to stop the paparazzi from taking pictures of his family from their fleet of helicopters.

And no, lets say nothing about the cost to the public purse of renovating Anmer Hall and that private apartment of his in Kensington Palace.

Prince William’s disdain for the press is well-known. Nowadays any news coverage regarding his “Royal highness” is given an appropriate response by his ruthlessly controlled spin machine. Essentially that means ‘his people’ threaten the press with all kinds of unpleasantries.

But guess what? That’s right, the 4th and the British public alike have had just about enough of William and his bullying. So that’s why, with the help of a few courage building amphetamines the Sun newspaper decided to serve Prince William a helping of divine justice. Fleet Street style.

In an article published last week the Sun accused William of a dereliction of duty, his Royal duty to be precise. The Sun claimed that Willie had only worked 12 shifts as a helicopter pilot for the East Anglia Air Ambulance service since January 1. They detailed all his royal engagements which they then compared to those of his fellow royals. They then asked why William had only managed two royal engagements in 2016 while his fellow Royals had completed many more.

Such was the vehemence of the article it was broadcast across social media and beyond. But it wasn’t over yet.

The Sun then published another article in which they asked why Prince William spend the weekend shooting animals the day before launching a campaign to stop wildlife being slaughtered.

And in another article published this week the Sun seemed incredulous to learn that a former girlfriend, Rose Farquhar had to seek his royal permission before appearing on the BBC talent show, The Voice.

The Sun could say that William was an astronaut or a baker of magic pies and I’d now believe them. I guess he’ll be off to sub-Saharan Africa next where he’ll be fighting poachers or whatever tasks can be achieved by telling his butler to make them happen.

I don’t mind that they’re throwing shit at William, he’s never looked like a servant of important causes to me. But y’know England’s Prince’s were much cooler back in the old days when they their job description didn’t go beyond ‘vanquishing the French and befouling their women’.

Yeah, you’ve lost this round William.

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Hollywood Heartaches.


Hollywood HeartachesWhy is the world of show business so often filled with tears of sadness? Really, I have to ask because despite all their sparkling jewellery and bulging bank accounts many of our glittering celebrities have suffered the kind of relationship fails we call the Hollywood Heartaches.

Take these couples below for example. They’ve all broken up in the last twelve months. Yes, the Hollywood heartaches indeed.

Lets start with Cheryl Fernandez-Versini who has ended her 18-month marriage to Jean Bernard Fernandez-Versini. The Geordie beauty may not be Hollywood but none the less she began divorce proceedings last month by filing legal papers in which she cited ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the reason for the break down of her marriage.

Well I don’t know, what else can a lady say when the great love of her life has fallen apart? Yeah it was great, we had sex once a month and then he yelled at me for flirting with a waiter? Amazing that they fell apart. Not.

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Moving on. 43-year-old actress Jennifer Garner has had a sad expression on her face for what seems like forever. Her ex husband Ben Affleck has been spending time with actress Elle Fanning. Ok, it’s been time spent on the set of his latest movie (Live By Night) but sometimes that’s all a woman needs to hear before getting herself off to the gym for a few bum squeezes and stomach crunches.

Now we come to Gwen Stefani who broke up with Gavin Rosedale after discovering that he’d had a three year affair with their nanny. Rich English dads are always having affairs with the nanny so I’m not sure why it took three years for Jennifer to find out.

Let’s just say Jennifer has lost her Sherlock Holmes detective badge.

After eleven years of dating, five years of marriage and two children with that skinny chap from 90210, Megan Fox has cut her husband loose. Nobody will fully understand why a world class ‘sextress’ was hooked up with a one-show nobody when she could’ve hit the big time with any A-lister in trousers. According to the gossip columns, husband Brian Austin Green got tired of Megan’s obsession with film roles that took her away from finding his video game controllers under the couch cushions.

I’m sure you’ll come out fine in the end Miss Fox. However, I recommend you employ one of those reputation lawyers to expunge your former name, Austin Green from all Google searches. 

If there’s no love in your heart this year because you’ve been waiting for a single 32-year-old woman with a terrible attitude then I have good news for you. Dutch model Lara Stone has ended her five year marriage to David Walliams. It was all Gone in 60 Seconds during a hearing at the High Court of Justice in September of last year.

Well who can blame her, that man acts like he’s gayer than soya milk. More to the point, one could sit at home and practice being annoying in the mirror and still not do it any better than David Walliams.

The Hollywood heartaches continue with Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick. The on-off reality show that knows no bounds. On Monday evening the Kardashian clan held a dinner to honor the late Robert Kardashian’s birthday. Scott Disick was there too. Later in the evening Kourtney and Scott were seen very much together on Kylie Jenner’s Snapchat. Now everyone’s wondering if they’re back on again.

Kourtney Kardashian had to know there was something wrong with Scott Disick the first time he told her he was an an unemployed nobody. Sometimes you need to make babies before you can size up a chap’s potential. Not a good sign for the future.

According to friends of Kaley Cuoco, the Big Bang Theory actress wasn’t surprised by her recent divorce from husband Ryan Sweeting. After only 21 months it was the kind of marriage that gay activists point to as a heterosexual marriage fail. Really, it was.

There were good times of course but according to sources the divorce was a long time coming. Which is an odd thing to say after a year and a half marriage.

Last September Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog announced that they were done with each other. After nearly 40 years together I thought this was some shameless stunt to promote their new TV show. It may very well be a shameless stunt and if it is then they’re milking it.

Kermit the Frog’s new love is another pretty pig by the name of Denise. I guess Kermit must be a ‘porkosexual’ because he just can’t get enough of pigs. David Cameron please note!

And that brings us to the end of this round of Hollywood Heartaches.

PS: Just so as you know, my job is to sit here, drink tea and post acerbic commentary about the trashy headlines we see in the gossip columns. That’s my job. It’s all I do with my sad little life. (not really) However, were I a lawyer then perhaps I’d take a different view of celebrity break-ups.

Take Simpson Millar LLB Solicitors for example. Recently they published the infographic you see below. They have consider the legal aspect behind each of the aforegoing break-ups. Interesting read.

Infographic: 8 Celebrity Couples in Crisis

Now, if you’re thinking of brightening up your living space here’s the latest Digital Art For Sale from ArtPopper.com

News – On A Slow News Day.


News, David CameronIf you’re going to write a story on a slow-ass news day then you need to start somewhere. It’s no good waiting to discuss for your inadequacies as a writer at your next therapy session. No sir. You need to work at it. Seek and thy shall find and all that. Focus on the job in hand, concentrate, think outside the box.

Yeah slow-ass news days…. y’know what? If all else fails make something up.

Begins.

I was about to say that the news today was slower than Joey Essex’s thinking process, but then I came across this highly important piece of news from the European Union. I’m sure the BBC will break into their regular broadcasts to discuss this story in more detail. Really, we can shut down social media because the news won’t get anymore newsworthy today than this.

Earlier today David Cameron was wandering through the corridors of the European Parliament and ended up offending every Euro MP he passed. Why? He was wearing a hat daubed in UKIP propaganda. The good people of Brussels aren’t wild about UKIP.

This apparently is news to David Cameron. When Cameron first wore the hat during yesterday’s Euro summit, UKIP – also known as ‘Le Petit Farrage’ –joked that they wanted their hat back because it kinda looked like their logo. The hat was “designed” by the former member for Thanet South. And by “designed” I mean, he took a poop in it, emptied the poop, and then put it on Cameron’s head.

Cameron is now considered an irrelevant nobody by the entire European Union.

In other news:

The man who used to brush the Duchess of Cambridge’s hair was sent to the Tower of London last night. He will be kept in a large glass jar in the deepest of all the dungeons.

Next week the un-named man faces a court martial – for treason!

His crime? Posting a picture of a royal to his Facebook without permission.

Exhibit A:

Kate Middleton

I mean really, only a peasant would do such a thing.

Y’know it’s amazing how many of us make up stories on a slow news day. But hey, get yourself out there Mike D.W. Nobody dies rich anymore.

Ends.

(And here’s the joke of the day –> Source)

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Russian Artist Pyotr Pavlensky Barred From Prize.


Pyotr Pavlensky,russian,artist, innovation,prize,barred,Sometimes the indifference, apathy and fatalism of Russian contemporary society knows no bounds. Take the esteemed Russian National Center for Contemporary Art for example. They’ve just pulled visual performance artist, Pyotr Pavlensky out of the running for the state-sponsored ‘Innovatsiya’ (innovation) prize.

His performance, called Threat has upset them. Here’s why.

Back in November 2015 Pyotr Pavlensky seriously believed that setting fire to the entrance of the Federal Security Service (KGB) building in Moscow would win him a state recognised award for innovation. Really, he did. 

Not surprisingly after setting fire to the building Pavlensky found his ass placed under arrest and he was subsequently sent to Moscow’s Serbsky Centre for a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation.

However, Pavlensky’s visual arts adventure nearly worked. When Anna Tolstova, an Innovatsiya committee member saw the work she immediately nominated Pyotr for a prize. Unfortunately the Russian National Center for Contemporary Art thought differently. They thought it was just plain old arson with little or no artistic value so they immediately barred the work.

General director Mikhail Mandolin said;

“In this particular case, it concerns a work that was created during action that has clear signs of violating the law, and caused material damage” 

When the curators discovered that the National Center for Contemporary Art had barred Pavlensky’s work a collective howl of protest arose from the committee. They called the banning a censorship of improper proportion and wailed how the repressive machinery of the Russian state was interfering in matters that did not concern them.

Eight of the committee promptly resigned, including Dimitri Ozverkov, the head of the contemporary art department at St Petersburg’s State Hermitage Museum.

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Peace and harmony was only restored when the National Center for Contemporary Art cancelled the visual art category altogether. Four members of the committee then un-resigned themselves.

Rejoicing in the shallow victory Ozerkov wrote on his Facebook;

“It’s obvious: today’s de jure cancellation of Innovatsiya’s main category due to Pavlensky’s disqualification signifies his de facto victory.”

Oh please, this union between Pyotr Pavlensky and the KGB is obviously built on true love and only true love. They are the Romeo & Juliet of our time although I’m sure this will end with Pyotr unfollowing the KGB on Twitter. And that would be tragic.

Anyway. Pavlensky is no stranger to controversy. He’s currently being tried in St Petersburg for an earlier display in Moscow’s Red Square where he nailed his scrotum to the cobblestones.

Then there was the time he wrapped himself up in barbed wire outside the Legislative Assembly of St. Petersburg. He remained curled up in his barbed nest until the police arrived and cut him out with garden clippers.

Sewing up his lips up in protest at the arrest of two members of the feminist punk rock group Pussy Riot didn’t win him friends in high places either.

But y’know, creativity means different things to different people. Creating something that’s unique takes imagination, courage, focus and a lot hard work. The process is draining, a bit like jumping off a cliff and trying to grow wings on the way down. Ask any artist.

Pablo Picasso once said;

“There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into sun”.

Thank you Pablo. Now without further ado let me hand you over to Pyotr performing his fiery art piece of ‘Threat’.


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